Effective Discipline for Behavioral Challenges

In our busy lives, figuring out the best way to discipline our children can often feel like a daunting task, particularly when we face behavior challenges. Traditional discipline methods often utilize rewards and punishment, in an effort to change behavior, which relies on the assumptions that rewards and punishments will motivate kids to change and that given the right motivation, a child will be able to change things for the better on their own.

The reality is, however, that it isn't usually just a lack of motivation that drives children's behaviors. Children with behavioral challenges, often lack the social and emotional skills needed to regulate their emotions and display prosocial behaviors. They also may have a sensitive nervous system, wired for frequent escalation. This leads to routine displays of aggression, defensive behavior, and/or shut-down. When the alarm in a child's nervous system goes off, in fact, they often can't even access the parts of their brain which think logically and learn new skills. This means that a child who is overwhelmed, may not only lack the skills needed to regulate at the time; they may also act out of primitive areas of the brain that are simply reactive and not thoughtful at all. So no matter what we use as motivation, these children still struggle and display difficult behavior on a regular basis.

The Importance of Co-Regulation

Children learn self-regulation only after they develop skills of co-regulation first. They are not born with the ability to manage and handle their emotions on their own. Nor do those skills develop in isolation. Through an active, collaborative, and interactive process, a child learns social and emotional skills to handle challenges, emotions, adapt, and problem solve.

When children are overwhelmed, however, they struggle to access the prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain responsible for reasoning and decision-making. Children also tend to be more impulsive when they are emotionally flooded. If we respond only with control and punishment, therefore, we risk missing the underlying cause of their behavior and making the situation worse. Tactics used to create fear or an aversive response in a child may also trigger them or lead them to feelings of overwhelm. In this state, a child tends to be less thoughtful and more reactive. Using control and punishment, therefore, may actually make it harder for a child to think logically and learn from their mistakes. It's important to remember that children often lack the ability to respond positively when they are in a reactive emotional state. For this reason, it makes sense to help them regulate first before offering redirection and coaching.

By recognizing the significance of co-regulation, parents and caregivers can move from pushing for compliance to fostering connection. This means being attuned to a child’s emotional state and needs and then responding with empathy. For example, during an outburst, instead of issuing a punishment, a simple acknowledgment like, “I can see you’re really upset,” can be an effective way to reflect their emotional state back to them and let them know that you are paying attention and available to help.

Taking this approach doesn't mean that there aren't natural consequences for children's behaviors. A child who has frequent meltdowns or tantrums needs more supervision and attention to protect themselves and others. They may miss out on fun things that other children can do because their caregivers need to provide the energy, time, and proximity needed to make outings successful. This approach not only makes children feel secure but also teaches them how to manage their emotions in the long run. It also creates less resentment and self-blame.

Understanding Dysregulation

Dysregulation happens when children experience intense emotions that they cannot control. This can lead to tantrums, aggression, or withdrawal; creating distress for both the child and the parent. It’s crucial to remember that kids might not have the awareness nor the words to express what they are feeling, and their reactions are often a cry for help.

Behavior is just the tip of the iceburg. Underneath all behavior, lies a range of other things which led up to a child's current state of mind, emotions, and reactions. These factors include things like their physiological, emotional, sensory, and social needs. Other factors also include the child's developmental stage, and their unique special challenges, such as any learning disabilities, mental illness, and / or previous trauma. All of these things affect their ability to understand and respond appropriately to given situations. Since children often can't tell us what they need or explain what is going on underneath those behaviors, it is up to caregivers and other adults to help them find and meet those needs.

Instead of immediately correcting unwanted behavior, for example, it would be helpful to first address the child’s emotional state. While its not necessary for us to always remain calm in reaction to our children, staying regulated and in control of ourselves can offer the presence needed to help the child also regulate with us. This might look like sitting beside a child during a tantrum and / or just offering a steady, grounded, and non-judgmental presence. When children feel supported, they can regain their balance and learn to manage their emotions more effectively.

It's also important to note that we are not condoning behaviors when we offer the emotional support that children need to regulate. We are simply addressing the most pressing needs first, before offering correction. The child needs to be regulated in order for their brain to be able to listen, understand, and learn something from this experience. As Dr. Dan Siegel has said, we are offering "connection before redirection" which gives us the best chance of being heard and the child the best opportunity to learn.

Strategies for Implementing Co-Regulation

1. Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness can greatly benefit both parents and children. When parents model mindfulness, they handle challenges with greater calmness. This creates a peaceful environment where children feel safe. Research indicates that mindfulness practices can reduce anxiety in children by up to 35%.

Encouraging children to participate in practices like deep breathing or simple yoga stretches can help them become aware of their feelings. For instance, guiding them to take five deep breaths can act as a powerful tool for emotional regulation.

2. Validate Emotions

Validating children's emotions is crucial, even when their behavior is difficult to manage. Acknowledging what they feel helps them sense that their emotions are legitimate. Simple phrases like "I see you’re feeling really upset right now" or "It’s okay to feel angry" can reassure kids that they are not alone. This builds a foundation of trust and open communication, which strengthens the bond between parent and child.

3. Create a Safe Space

Designating a safe physical and emotional space at home can significantly boost co-regulation efforts. A "calm corner" filled with comfortable items like soft pillows, favorite books, or sensory toys provides a retreat for children when they are overwhelmed. Studies show that children benefit from having a specific place to regroup and manage their emotions, leading to improved emotional responses.

It’s important to hold conversations about feelings in a non-judgmental environment. For example, setting aside a few minutes each day for check-ins about how each family member feels can promote open dialogue.

4. Model Emotional Regulation

Children learn how to handle emotions by observing their parents. Thus, modeling appropriate responses is vital. For example, when faced with stress, share how you feel and what you do to cope. This teaches children that feeling emotions is a part of life and gives them tools to process their own feelings.

By using age-appropriate language, explain your thought process when dealing with difficult situations. Showcase healthy coping mechanisms such as taking time to breathe or talking things out with a friend.

Recognizing Progress

Recognizing that co-regulation is a continuous journey is key. Implementing these strategies takes time and adjustment. Parents should observe their child’s responses to different techniques. Celebrate small victories, such as a child expressing their feelings more clearly or calming down quicker during a tough moment.

Keeping a journal can help track these instances. By reflecting on what works best, parents can fine-tune their approaches to align with their child's unique emotional needs.

Reflecting on Your Approach

Transitioning your discipline technique from traditional control to co-regulation can positively affect your child's emotional health. By tuning into their needs and building a supportive environment, you encourage resilience and empathy in your child. This approach not only helps children navigate their emotions but also strengthens the parent-child bond.

As you reconsider your methods, think about how to incorporate these co-regulation strategies. Supporting your child effectively will empower them to handle their feelings and develop vital skills for emotional regulation that will last a lifetime.